May 25, 2014 by Kara Nichols
Earlier today I was considering posting something very personal. I’ve spent years debating when/where to write it. I told myself that exposing this part of my life publicly would be healing for me and maybe healing for one of my five readers. The thing I cannot get past is the fact that I don’t have permission of a key player in my story and I won’t ever be able to get permission because we are no longer speaking. I don’t have to reach far into my imagination to know that this person would not want their story told. Even if it was to strangers. Or maybe because it was to strangers.
I almost had myself convinced this morning that I should write about it. After all, it’s my story too. And just so you know my secret is not that I had an abortion, embezzled a large sum of money, or broke up with someone via e-mail. Ok, the last one is true. I’m a horrible breaker-upper.
What stopped me from writing about my heartache, even more than worrying what family and friends would think, was something Pastor Suitt said in church tonight. One of his points was that humility is putting others before yourself, being a servant. And I thought about my estranged loved one. And that’s when I decided that I must let this story be one I don’t tell. Despite my desire to spill my guts.
If you know me at all you understand that I’ve been spilling my guts in journals, some paper, some online and private, some online and public, since I was a kid. Writing is where I have a pinch of confidence. I am good, not great. It’s to the point to where I honestly have to write things out to understand my thoughts and emotions. It’s my way of problem solving and organizing my mind. Much cheaper than therapy.
You guys! I was so ready to jump on my high horse this morning and write about the saddest thing that’s ever happened to me, pointing fingers along the way. But now humility. Servanthood. Respect. I’m called to something higher. Holier. I wish this person could know that our story will stay a secret. A gift that I don’t always give because I love to write, share, get feedback.
I’m not at all pent up, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’ve written privately about this and have worked through it with a few close friends. I really have found healing, and that’s mainly what I was so excited to share.
But read this: Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others. Have this mind among yourselves, which is yours in Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. It’s from Philippians 2 in the Bible and it took my breath away tonight.
I came so so close to blowing it. So close to putting my selfish desires ahead of someone who I used to love very much. Thank God for tonight’s teaching and for the Holy Spirit showing me where I was wrong. And just in case my former friend is reading this: Our secret is safe with me.