February 26, 2014 by Kara Nichols
When I think about managing my weight for the rest of my life I get depressed. Measuring out vegetables, eating packaged powdered food like an astronaut and weighing chicken breasts is tiresome and dull, yet necessary if I want to keep losing weight with Medifast. Even after I reach my goal weight I’ll be expected to keep up a similar lifestyle.
The problem isn’t Medifast. I still stand behind the program. The problem is that I sense that I’m still in a prison, even though I’ve lost weight. I want to be like the Israelites and freed from my oppressor. I want a miracle. But as it stands, I’m still bound up and ruled by my urges to eat in unhealthy ways. I know this because for most of February I took myself off of Medifast and ate double stuff oreos, pizza, chips and cheese dip, & let’s not forget the burgers and fries from McDonald’s. I basically told my diet to kiss off and did what I do best: manage any irregularity in my mind, soul, and spirit, with food.
I was hoping that I would reach this point, having lost 65 pounds, and tell you how free I feel, how wonderful life is now, and that food no longer has a hold on me. But it does. One day I’m religious about staying on my diet, the next day I’m searching for cabinets for anything that is off plan. Is this struggle really going to continue until I die? Because if that’s the case, I think I’d be much happier being off of a diet and wearing a bigger size.
I briefly considered going back to a support group. I mean, I even started a food-related support group at the Center for Recovery & Wellness last year. Some think I have an eating disorder. Or I’m a food addict. And at the very least I need counseling. I want to tell you that I’m feeling strong and that I will stick to my diet this time. Deep down I believe it doesn’t matter if I am doing Medifast with flying colors and strict precision or under a bed eating bon bons (which I’ve never done but it sounds kind of fun).
What really matters is whether or not my heart is aligned with God and that I am healthy within reason. God loves me no matter what my size, but He can’t stand it when I go to the extremes of eating a ton or restricting because it causes me pain. There has to be balance and I think that can only be found with God’s help. I can’t face another meal without His kind intervention and direction. Unlock me from this prison, Lord. I know there is freedom in You!