Confession

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November 16, 2012 by Kara Nichols

Miracles are a retelling in small letters of the very same story which is written across the whole world in letters too large for some of us to see.” – CS Lewis

On Saturday I met a woman who has been healed by God of bipolar. Her testimony is amazing but I don’t have permission to share it.
Basically she’s lived many years free from medication and the bondage of the disease. Could God do the same for me? Has He already?
Confession: I want to believe but deep down I don’t. I am asking God in increase my faith.

I haven’t been around a lot of healing. It always seemed like something God used to do in Biblical days but for some reason it didn’t transfer to modern times. And whether or not I am healed I will be okay. I’ve learned how to manage this disease and especially right now — I am thriving. Sometimes I think my manic episodes are more about spiritual warfare than anything else. I’ve had some spooky visions. But that’s a whole different blog entry.

So yes, I am saying I want to be healed. I know someone who has been healed. I hugged her. I heard her story. I believe it is true for her, so why can’t it be true for me? Why can’t it be true for my friends who also struggle with mental illness? Why are mainstream churches neglecting the fact that our God is a mighty healer? Why have I personally written off God, essentially telling Him that He cannot heal me?

Hebrews 11:1 says, “Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.”  And 2 Corinthians 5:7 reminds us that we live by faith, not by sight.

Let me be clear, I am not going off of my medications or making any drastic changes in the management of my disease. I don’t feel called to do that, at least not now. My faith is tiny. But then again Jesus did say, “I tell you the truth, if you had faith even as small as a mustard seed, you could say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it would move. Nothing would be impossible.”

The mustard-seed was the smallest of all seeds. It has been supposed by some, therefore, that he meant to say, If you have the smallest or feeblest faith that is genuine, you can do all things. The mustard-seed produced the largest of all herbs. It has been supposed by others, therefore, to mean, If you have increasing, expanding, enlarged faith, growing and strengthening from small beginnings, you can perform the most difficult undertaking. There is a principle of vitality in the grain of seed stretching forward to great results, which illustrates the nature of faith. Your faith should be like that. — http://bible.cc/matthew/17-20.htm

Why don’t I believe God can heal me? It’s not that I doubt His ability as much as I am afraid. I am afraid that if I did go off of my medications that I would find myself in a downward spiral and in the hospital again. Which isn’t the end of the world but it’s close.  I also think it’s just too much – it would be like Christmas morning times a million to be healed of this disease and I am afraid of getting my hopes up. Also, I’ve witnessed very few instances where genuine healing has happened. And one of those instances was my own heart, this past weekend. God showed up. He went out of His way to show me love, to tell me He is pleased with me. I know my heart has been healed and my outlook only life has been forever changed. That’s a God thing, because just a few days before I was sleeping 15 hours a day and was totally depressed. No medication works that fast, it was clearly the Holy Spirit in me.

I don’t see very many other people believing that God heals today, why should I? And like I said earlier, miracles seem like the stuff of the olden days. As if our God has changed, suddenly getting quiet and not working in the lives of His people. Can miracles happen? I don’t want to get my hopes up just to be let down. And I’m not sure I have the guts to trust God completely. You’d think that after my weekend and after meeting the lady who was healed of bipolar that I would believe. And I guess I do on some level but not to the core of my being. Miracles must be for someone else. I keep challenging that thought with a verse that keeps popping up in my mind: He who began a good work in you is faithful to complete it. I see that God could complete a good work in me whether I have bipolar or not. Do I want healing? Yes. Am I trying to believe? Yes. I know I need to spend more time in prayer over this, asking God to reveal Himself to me. Asking Him to build my faith and rely on the promises of His word.

James 1:25 is a good reminder: “But whoever catches a glimpse of the revealed counsel of God—the free life!—even out of the corner of his eye, and sticks with it, is no distracted scatterbrain but a man or woman of action. That person will find delight and affirmation in the action.”

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