November 15, 2012 by Kara Nichols
I had the kind of relationship with God that was like a girl pulling off of petals from a flower: He loves me, He loves me not. Most assuredly I would end on He loves me not.
While I grew up attending church every Sunday, it was a show for me. My song was hallow, my prayers empty. There were days when I believed God was real but for the most part I secretly felt that He didn’t exist and that I was going to hell.
I went to a Christian university, worked in ministry, and still never met God in personal way. I was merely a puppet with all the right words and had a knack for living in sin.
And then 2009 happened. I will spare you the gory details because I know some of my readers couldn’t stomach the truth of how dark of a place I found myself in. Let’s just say suicide became appealing in comparison to the life I was leading. Finally a breaking point – I was forced to move to Lynchburg, Virginia to live in my parents’ basement. It wasn’t exactly on my wish list of things to do before I die.
And I suffered more. Extreme depression and anxiety controlled me. Once I even found myself curled up on my parents bed with them standing over me reading scripture over me and praying. I was starting to believe that God was real. I was also very lonely and I thought one way to meet people is at church. So I did a google search and came across Blue Ridge Community Church. I decided to visit based solely on the look of their website. It was modern and appealing. I was drawn to it right away.
After a few months, and while still suffering, I realized that I wasn’t saved and that I wanted to be. So while sobbing on my bed I begged and pleaded for Jesus to come into my life. And He showed up. At first not much changed. But I believed. At the time I was going through a number of medication changes so my moods were varied and unpredictable. I read through the Psalms and found Psalm 18:24 (the Message verision) which says, “He rewrote the text of my life when I opened the book of my heart to His eyes.” Immediately I adopted this verse as what some Christians call a “life verse.” It was perfect for the writer in me.
He really has rewritten the text of my life. What I wasn’t expecting was to be romanced by Jesus in an intimate way. This past weekend I went to a women’s retreat and even my sister calls it Kara’s weekend because the Lord showed up in numerous ways to remind me that He loves me unconditionally just as I am. Friday I was prophesied over – the message was that I should keep writing and asking questions. And that He loves me and is happy with me. Saturday I was prayed over a number of times and again the subject was LOVE LOVE LOVE. Oh, and I was told I need to dance for Jesus, according to one dear lady who prophesied over me. I am really not doing God justice with this description of the weekend. I think it will take weeks and months to process it. Especially the visions that two people had of me in a white dress and a crown of flowers on my head standing with Jesus. I don’t really know how visions like that work but I soaked it all up and took it as encouragement.
How on earth you could top this weekend is beyond me but I expect great things from my God. I want to be where He is – I want to live out the life he rewrote for me. No, it won’t always be pretty. But that’s ok, God loves me anyway.
I believe He wants to shower you with His love as well. And can I just say that God loves YOU. Yes, you. I know this to be true. Oh, I know I can’t make you believe, and you may even think I’m more crazy than normal for having a relationship with God. But like C.S. Lewis said, “I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen, not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.”
The best is yet to come.